violetsvip posts
Posts: 480
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Why did Napoleon and his wife sleep with other people? **Be..
Why did Napoleon and his wife sleep with other people? **Because their last name was Bonaparte, not Bonetogether.**
I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury..
I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source. **It was by Hg Wells.**
I gave up drinking for the new year Sorry, that came out wro..
I gave up drinking for the new year Sorry, that came out wrong. I gave up. Drinking for the new year.
What are your New Years resolutions? *I'm upgrading to 2460..
What are your New Years resolutions? *I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.*
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? *Baco..
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? *Bacon and legs.*
What did the conductor do when half of the cello section cal..
What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert? *He had to resort to excessive violins.*
My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the ..
My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means. *I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”*
My friend lost is job at the zoo. *They caught him spanking..
My friend lost is job at the zoo. *They caught him spanking the monkey.*
Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorat..
Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree? *Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.*
My great grandmother got me a ps5 for christmas- *My so-so ..
My great grandmother got me a ps5 for christmas- *My so-so grandmother got me socks.*
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve? *Because..
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve? *Because he always accepts cookies.*
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree When h..
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” *The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”*
There are 3 types of people in the world; those who are good..
There are 3 types of people in the world; those who are good at math... *And those who aren't.*
A tree's first winter must be terrifying. *Imagine the relea..
A tree's first winter must be terrifying. *Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get sha..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth *Then it just becomes a soap opera.*
If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in S..
If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective... *I'd say it's Doctor Whom.*
The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep up t..
The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep up to date. *They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.*
What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looki..
What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree? *"I'd tap that."*
Why did Willy Wonka close his chocolate factory? *He was sh..
Why did Willy Wonka close his chocolate factory? *He was short staffed.*
I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people..
I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea. *I am going to call it Boba Fetish.*
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not..
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? *Because they are filled with anty bodies.*
I'm an expert in ice cream... *I went to sundae school.*
I'm an expert in ice cream... *I went to sundae school.*
What type of glasses do gingerbread man wear? *Eye Candy!*
What type of glasses do gingerbread man wear? *Eye Candy!*
How is a mountain similar to a penis? *While measuring its ..
How is a mountain similar to a penis? *While measuring its length, no one can agree where the base is.*
A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a..
A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested. *He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.*
Most people like their eggs fried or scrambled, I like mine ..
Most people like their eggs fried or scrambled, I like mine baked... in cookies, brownies and cake.
What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one l..
What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it? *Envelope.*
People are always worried about their cell phones or microwa..
People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about. *It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about........it's been collecting dirt on you for years.*
So, I went to a ninja parade *It was a complete rip off. I ..
So, I went to a ninja parade *It was a complete rip off. I didn't see a damn thing, but I kept finding candy in my pockets.*
I got fired from a sperm bank... *Every time someone walked..
I got fired from a sperm bank... *Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"*
